With the weeks (ok months) that have passed by, it gets harder and harder for me to write an update of how we’ve been doing. It’s been an emotional roller coaster and just when I think things are getting easier, they get so much harder. I started writing this blog post a few days ago “Part of me feels guilty for even saying this and another part feels worried that I’ll jinx it, but I’ve mostly not been writing lately because life has been SO GOOD. Maybe it’s the change in the weather- the WA sunshine has certainly helped my heart feel happy. Maybe it’s personal growth- a year of foster parenting will force anyone to grow in many many ways. While I can’t pinpoint exactly what it may be, I’ve been so content lately. Our family finished a backyard project we’ve been putting off for months and we’ve spent the past few evenings enjoying the sunlit WA evenings outdoors surrounded by a garden that our foster son planted with my mom“ and before I could even get it posted the tantrums started again.
When our foster kid has tantrums they’re often all consuming rages that last for hours. (Read about trauma tantrums from another perspective here). Now, it is easier for me to recognize where the anger, poor attitude or cruelty is coming from- our son is often reacting out of fear. Fear that we’ll leave. Fear that we’re not trustworthy. Fear that he’s not loved. One of the most heartbreaking things he said after one particularly draining tantrum was that he’s scared to love me because I might leave.
During these times when I feel that I’m at my emotional breaking point and that I don’t have the energy nor strength to put up with another day of tantrums, I remind myself that we’re human and we crave love and security above all else. My foster son, who’s fear and sadness manifests as anger and rage, needs consistent love and trust. I will continue to try my best to be patient, kind, loving and consistent.